I've gotten questions about why I've deleted all pictures from Instagram from when I was underweight and I felt like I wanted to bring it up here since it's pretty important to me. So, as you know, one of my main subjects on the blog is eating disorders and I'm very open when it comes to my own journey and struggles. I've written about everything from what it's like to be pregnant and struggle with an eating disorder to what it was like being hospitalized and life at an eating disorder clinic. But mostly I write about what I do to get better and how I fight to be a happy and healthy version of me instead of the ill one. Because that's the most important part.
I've never liked taking pictures of myself when I've been very underweight, mostly because that's been when I've been at my lowest and felt the ugliest as well. So when I've been really ill I've never uploaded a lot of pictures on Instagram or social media at all. But obviously I've still posted some pictures where you could see I wasn't healthy, even though it wasn't bikini pictures or anything. When I started recovering I indeed deleted all pictures where I looked really shitty, anorectic and unhealthy. One reason is because I don't want to be recognized as that version of me, since it's not the real me - it's the ill me. But mostly because I really don't want my account to be triggering or a platform that encourages eating disorders in any way.
The messages that have made me the most happy are when people who are struggling with eating disorders themselves have written and said that what they like most about my social media is that it's not triggering at all, only inspiring. And this is exactly what I'm aiming for. I'm only human and I can only try my best, but my goal with my social media when it comes to eating disorders is to only make people feel good about themselves and not be triggering in any way. This is really hard because I know from my own experience that almost anything can be triggering when you're ill. Someone posts a recovery transformation and you only see the before picture and get triggered. Or someone writes his/her story that has a good message but the only thing you can think about is the "bad parts" (aka the ill parts) that might be triggering. So I don't think anything that has to do with eating disorders can be 100% trigger free, but I definitely deleted all pictures from my Instagram with the intention to not be triggering or to give anyone the wrong picture of what life with an eating disorder is like. Because sure you can look happy and 10kg underweight in a picture, but behind the camera is something completely different.
Now that I'm pregnant I've been posting some before and after pictures of my belly and I'm aware of that I was underweight before I got pregnant, but here I've also chosen not to post pictures from when I was at my most underweight - instead I've been trying to choose pictures from when I was a bit healthier from the time before I got pregnant. And whenever I choose to put something up from the times when I've been very ill, it's been pictures that in different ways have been a such good reflection of how living with anorexia is not living at all. Not pictures of me smiling and looking cute but like a skeleton - but pictures where you can see in how much pain I was. And this is also the reason for why I've mostly posted pictures of only my face and not body, from my bad periods. Anorexia isn't all about how thin you get or what your body looks like. It's much more about the mental part of the disease and how your life just becomes hell. So for those of you who's been asking why I don't post more pictures from when I was ill or why I've deleted everything from Instagram, here's the answer.
Have a great week loves. <3