When my anorexia was at it's worst I thought I looked fat. I tried to hide my arms and thighs since I thought I looked fat. I never wore t-shirts and I often had big hoodies that covered my thighs. In reality I was very underweight and a size way too small for my own best.
A thing I've discovered while recovering is that when I was so ill I thought I was fat, I disliked looking at photos of myself and I always looked at the pictures thinking about everything that looked "too big". Now when I've come quite far in my recovery I don't think I look fat anymore, since my logical side of the brain is working again - but instead I sometimes find myself looking at pictures and thinking "oh, I look pretty tiny in this picture, I'd probably look even better if I was a bit skinnier again". And this is a very dangerous mindset that leads to no good. When I find myself having these thoughts I get disappointed at myself because these thoughts are nothing but the eating disorder talking.
It's so funny how you can recognize the disease talking but still have a hard time to trust and rely on your healthy you. And even when you're strong enough to ignore your negative thoughts it really takes so much energy and happiness away to constantly have a war going on in your head.
Today has been the type of day where I've gone through this type of disease vs me war x couple of times, so I felt like writing this post. One advice for you who go through the same type of negative thoughts in your recovery or overall is to repeat "skinny doesn't mean happy" in your head until you feel even a bit like that. At first I was sure this never ever ever would help even the slightest, but the thing is that when you force your brain to say it a thousand times the ill thoughts drown away in it a bit. It sounds weird but try it, you'll understand!