Last night I asked my followers what they want to read about on the blog. It was so nice to see your comments and get an insight on what you like the most. I got inspired to do this as kind of a christmas calendar thing where I until christmas write about these subjects that you have requested. First on my list, and what got the most requests, is my anorexia that I've been struggling with on and off for years. Many wanted to hear the whole story and how I got ill in the first place, others about specific things that have been rough. So I'll try to get as much as possible in this post. <3
I had recently turned 14 when I started developing my eating disorder. I was very healthy and had a perfectly normal weight, I had always been very active and my eating habits were the definition of balanced. I had just signed my first record deal and was about to shoot my first music videos and then start doing my first gigs. In my mind I needed to be perfect and look perfect, the pressure came in the first place from myself because of the ideal the music business definitely had back then and still has a bit. There was this unwritten rule about having to look flawless and be skinny. So at first I simply started working out more and more, and I got extremely happy when people told me I looked great and that I was doing great.
Pretty soon it wasn't just about working out every day, twice a day. I started counting calories as crazy and started skipping some foods. My "fear foods" were from the very beginning everything that was considered unhealthy. So from this moment I would never eat junk food, sweets or fatty snacks. This was also the hardest fear to overcome: even when I much later came home after being at the eating disorder clinic, and even after gaining a normal weight, these fear foods were still something that took me much longer to get over. I had my first sweet about a year after I had gained a normal weight and after that it didn't take long until I relapsed.
As soon as I started losing weight I became addicted to it. It was like a drug that I needed more of. I got addicted to stepping on the scale many times each day, and every time I had lost weight I got some sort of rush - but I was never satisfied, I always needed to lose more. And more. And more...
It didn't take long before I couldn't work out anymore because my body was too weak from not eating. My waves of anorexia have always been incredibly strong and everything has gone down so quickly. I started losing weight in the autumn 2014, and I got hospitalized in the beginning of May 2015. This shows how insanely little time it took to trash my whole body, mind and life. The time before I was sent to the eating disorder clinic was awful because of my anorexia that got out of control. I was recording my debut album at the time and did live shows, and it makes me so sad to think that I couldn't enjoy any of that at all because I was so broken. Both my mind and body was in constant pain, my mind from thinking about food, losing weight and hating my body 24/7 and my body from eating as little as a couple of fruits per day.
One thing I remember very well is that I was scared of how ill I was. It was kind of like I sat in a car that was going downhill super fast and I couldn't hit the breaks anymore. From just innocently wanting to lose a little weight to the next minute being so ill that you can't control it anymore is such a scary thing and people don't realize how thin the line is between having it under control and being completely helpless when the eating disorder takes over.
My time at the eating disorder clinic is something I don't want to talk about that much. The months I spent there were very rough on both me and my family. But what I can say for sure is that I would never have gotten better for even a short period of time without the eating disorder clinic. When I arrived there I was set on never eating a thing ever again. So that place really saved my life wether I realized it back then or not. When I got home from the clinic I only attended school half time for a long time since I still was very weak. Then about a year after my time at the clinic I had gained a good weight and I considered myself completely free from anorexia. What happened was that I replaced the focus from not eating to working out. So I started going to the gym 1-2 times a day. I ate well and I had a normal weight but I couldn't let go of control so my behavior when it came to working out got very unhealthy.
Then, a bit before I graduated from high school in the autumn 2017, I got a very strong anorexia relapse. I had started working with a new record label and things weren't that great when it comes to that. I was under a lot of pressure and the only thing I had 100% control over was my eating. So it was pretty much a complete deja vu of the first time my anorexia got bad. And the timeline was also the same. It happened very quickly and I isolated myself so that I could be ill without people bothering me. It was easier this time around since I had moved to my own apartment, so no one checked how much I ate or if I ate. I recognized my anorexia coming back and I knew it was getting bad, but this time I also knew what it was so it was easier to lie and tell people I ate although I didn't. I tried to avoid meeting any friends and family for the months my anorexia was at its worst, and if I wasn't at the studio, I just laid in bed at home because I was too tired and weak to do anything else. I could go for days without eating anything other than vegetables. And I had many liters of diet coke each day to not feel hunger/to feel like I "ate" something.
What makes me so angry and sad and what's so damn scary about this disease is that one moment you think you have everything under control and the next moment you sit there with a tomato for dinner and actually THINK it's a sane behavior. When I look back at myself in the beginning of this year I just can't believe how I thought that was normal or how I thought my body was going to survive what I did to it. My darkest moments in the beginning of this year is something I have a hard time talking about. My anorexia was even more out of control than the first time I got ill, probably because I hid it for so long since I was living on my own and mostly worked 24/7 aka. I didn't meet my parents or close friends much. I often passed out after taking a shower, I could spend a whole night doing "weight loss exercises" and I would just do stuff that I never in my wildest fantasy would do now. I have to point out that a lot of other crazy stuff were happening in my life at this point, in the beginning of this year, and that obviously made it even harder to eat or wanting to get help. So it was a crazy period that you maybe know about if you've listened to my podcast episode with Yle X3M, but that's nothing I'm gonna write any further about here on lé blog.
Now, 2018 is almost over. I've had both the worst and best year in my life so far. Some times I've just wanted to lay down and die and other moments have been better than I could've ever imagine. However I leave this year with a happy heart. I'm still struggling with my eating disorder but it's under control and I get the help I need. If someone would have told me I'd be married and expecting a baby by now in the beginning of this year, when my life was a complete chaos, it would have been so out of any life I even could imagine then, that I wouldn't have believed it for a second. Now I'm grateful for the amazing family I have, for being healthier, for being blessed with becoming a mother. And what I take with me to 2019 from all of this is definitely forgiveness. It's been something I've struggled with but finally starting to get. Forgiveness to myself, learning that anorexia is never your fault, you didn't choose to be ill. Forgiveness to the people who have treated me badly, when it comes to the career I left behind - letting go of anger completely. Forgiveness has actually been my biggest source to finding genuine happiness again and peace with myself. I'm looking forward to being healthy and happy next year, and most of all to becoming a mom. <3