I feel strong, healthy and happy. I wanna make it clear that my target weight doesn't mean my final destination weight, but it means a healthy weight for me where my body is in a good place. Where my body works as it should. It's so relieving to stop listening to the voice that tells me what I should eat to look like the ideal (unhealthy) body and start listening to my body.
I dislike talking about numbers both when it comes to weight and calories. But then again, I've lately accepted that we're all different and that a number for me is a totally different thing for someone else. I've also stopped caring about the numbers completely. A couple of months ago I still thought I would hate my body if I reached my target weight. Well I don't. I actually like it more than I have in a long, long time.
Right now I weight 48kg. I thought about wether I should write this or not this whole morning but I feel that it's important to let go of the numbers in a way that no matter if I in a year write that I weight 58- or 68kg it would still be as natural for both me and the readers. I'm going to weight more gain so once again I'll point out that this is not my most ideal weight but it's my first target weight where my body is OK.
I also wanted to tell you my weight since I feel that most people don't understand that you can have an eating disorder without being super underweight. My journey to recovery started when I was much underweight, but now my BMI actually is normal. And I'm still not fully recovered. So I wanna put some light on the fact that even though a body is "recovered" a mindset doesn't have to be. And I also want to point out that even though my BMI is "normal" it doesn't mean it's the best option for my body. Someone else might be settled at this weight but my doctors and I know for a fact that I still have some kg's to go before my body has reached it's best possible weight. And this bothered me for a long time - that I couldn't be super tiny and have a good health. But now I've made peace with the thought and seeing the scale at 48 meant only happiness for me. It didn't even feel a tiny bit bad, as I had prepared myself for.