Today I feel like shit. My first reaction to that was, well today I'm gonna stay away from social media so I won't show my less good moods to the world. But that's the whole point with why I blog in the first place, to show people that there are both shitty times where you want to hide under a pillow for the coming 48 hours and good times. I don't want my blog to be a place where people come and think my life is a 100% good at all times. Because it's not.
There are days like today where I feel my eating disorder stronger than usually. Where I feel like a fat garbage bag, even though I in my heart am more grateful than anything for the life that is growing inside of me. And even though I know that's the reason I don't have abs or AA sized bras anymore. Days like today are days when my pregnancy symptoms (nausea, headache, body pain) are at their worst and for some reason that triggers my anorexia.
Feeling my eating disorder thoughts be back on bad days also triggers the feeling of guilt. Guilt for not enjoying the miracle of being pregnant enough. Even though I really do! I'm glad I'm so far in my recovery that I can separate the ill thoughts from the normal me, and I understand there's nothing I can do to make these thoughts disappear completely, but there's a lot I can do not to listen to them.
What's ironic is that the thoughts of me needing to get skinnier, even though I'm supposed to gain weight, are so insanely triggered by the morning sickness. So when my weight has gone down a bit because of the nausea that is making it hard to eat, the tiny thought of needing to lose more and more weight is immediately in the back of my head. Now what helps this is to eat something I like, watch a movie to get my thoughts on something else, talk with people I love, and most of all, just to think about the baby and the unconditional love I already have for him or her. There's not a pound worth losing and that's how strong my love for mini me is already. No doctor or eating disorder treatment is better than just feeling the tiny, perfect heartbeat of my angel. <3
So, here's an insight on what it's like living with an eating disorder while being pregnant. I've made a promise to myself that I someday, when I'm 100% free from this disease, will do everything I can to help others who are suffering. And more than I believe that I will become a lawyer or a business woman I really believe that this is a thing I will do in the future. Work with people that go through the same thing I've gone through and still am going through.