How did your life change when you got free from anorexia?
I got this question on Instagram and decided to answer it here since I think it's a super good question. I often talk about how my life was totally different and how I was in a dark place while struggling with anorexia. But I've never taken up any specific things and scenarios that describes this. Ps. I want to point out that I'm not completely free from my eating disorder even though I'm strong enough to eat, gain weight and not let the disease take over my life. But I'm on my way.
One of the things that affected my life the most when I was ill was that I isolated myself and wasn't able to enjoy anything. When I went out for dinner with friends I would spend 20% of the time on being with my friends and 80% on thinking about how much calories there was in my meal and how I could burn them later. When I went to the cinema I would maybe have a taste of my friend's popcorn and then spend the rest of the movie feeling guilty over having done that.
So my whole life was based on what I ate and how I could avoid eating. When I go out for dinner now I'm able to enjoy the food and I don't spend a second thinking about how many calories I eat or how I need to compensate the meal later. And at the cinema I buy my own snacks and eat it without any guilt feelings at all. And I want to point out that these are not only 'details' that made my life hard, it was my whole life. Which means that it's like night and day going from having this type of controlled, ill, life to having a normal, healthy life where you're able to enjoy.
Another thing that has changed is that I don't try to hide my body anymore (in big clothes or by not showing specific parts of my body) and I don't think that much about what my body looks like. I barely look myself in the mirror now - and in the beginning of this year I could spend hours in front of the mirror, thinking about everything that I wanted to change.
But the one thing that has changed the most is that I don't care what others think about my body at all. In the beginning of my recovery I was terrified of looking fat in other people's eyes. Which is crazy. And I cared a lot about what people thought about my looks over all. Now I don't. At all. And it's the end of such a bad circle where you hate your own body and you think others hate it too. But then when you get help and you get out of that ill place, you realize that your body is perfectly fine. And then you realize that no one else has the right to have an opinion on what your body looks like and even though someone might have one, it doesn't matter.
I could go on by writing a book about this subject. But I think I brought up the differences that have shown the most in my everyday life and that reflects on how I feel on a daily basis. Big love. <3