It's so unbelievably hard to fight your own thoughts. Today I woke up "feeling fat". Some months ago this would have led to me not eating the whole day. But today I was able to separate my feelings and the small voice in my head from how it really is.
A good doctor once told me that it's crazy how we all talk about "feeling fat". It's a feeling. A crazy stupid feeling that ruins so much for us. It's hard to separate these two when you're thoughts are too much. But now that I've come quite far in my recovery it's easier to get through these feelings.
It's such a clear pattern as well. My bad thoughts always pop up if I've eaten too little or skipped a meal the day before. Because that gives the little voice in my head strength to start saying I should skip meals today as well. So this is basically a bad circle where the only way to break it is by EATING. As for today I started with a chia porridge when the bad thoughts started. Then I had a donut because when I overcome my food-fears the voice that's telling me I'm fat looses strength. Does this make any sense? I hope it does and if you're having a similar situation I hope you find strength to just eat what you're most afraid of in the moment and just do it.
I've wasted so many days on self-hate due to the feeling of "being fat". Which is insane. I've wasted hours staring at pictures of me and feeling disgusted over my body. My body that is completely OK. Completely lovable and completely good. It feels like I'm letting myself down on these days when I still have the feeling of being too big or not feeling okay in my own skin. I've accepted that I'll probably have these bad feelings on and off during my whole life but the important thing is to be strong enough to fight them and free enough to know they're just stupid stupid thoughts. Not reality.
Big love.
