A year ago I was going through what's probably my worst time with my eating disorder. I was at rock bottom before things a couple of months later then started to get better. I've read through my old diary from last year and I'm going to share some pieces of that with you in this post. I feel so empowered by the fact that I'm here a year later, eating healthy, gaining weight, carrying a baby. And I hope this post will empower anyone out there who feels like shit right now, because one year ago I didn't see a bright future, I didn't see much of a future at all. And when I was in this horrible dark place, little did I know that things would change so quickly and that I had a whole different future waiting for me around the corner.
February 11th 2018
"Today I passed out after taking a hot shower. It's like my body can't handle changing temperatures anymore, because every time I've showered I either pass out, need to throw up or get these horrible warm rushes and turn white/yellow. I still like being in the shower because it's the only time my anxiety isn't too big.
After getting my shit together I went to the studio and wrote two new songs - it's easy to skip meals when you're working, no one ever questions why you don't eat for 10 hours straight. I guess most "music people" are a bit messed up. Now I just had dinner, sauerkraut and mini tomatoes. I feel like shit and my body is so tired I'm just gonna stay in bed for the next 24 hours. Bye."
So at this time I was very ill, I was working in the studio 9/10 days, and yes I WAS getting treatment but the thing is that it doesn't work if you're not ready to get help. So my visits at the eating disorder clinic were not helping and I got worse day by day. What's crazy about this is the amount of pain my body was in. I can still feel that same pain by just reading my diary from this period in my life. How it felt after taking a shower, how I always was close to passing out when I did anything other than staying in bed and how I was just in constant physical pain. My pain was probably more physical than mental at this point and it was just horrible. In all possible ways.
February 17th 2018
"Date night means food which means I'm not going to eat anything during this whole day before our dinner. I hope I'll feel a bit better tonight so I'm just gonna rest in bed until our date tonight."
By the time I was also dating what turned out to be the best man on earth and my husband. <3 But as I've mentioned before, I was struggling a LOT in the beginning of our relationship since I was so busy being ill and being best friends with my anorexia. This makes me so sad to read now, and I remember so clearly how cozy our first time together was when we stayed up the whole night making late night dinner, listening to music and talking about everything. I'm just so sad I couldn't enjoy that time as much as I would have if I hadn't been so ill. Lucky for me I get to go on date nights with this man for the rest of my life so I'll have time to get some justice for the nights I focused more on calories than on how much I liked him.
April 3rd 2018
"I'm at the hospital right now and I've never felt worse. My love is here all hours he's allowed to which makes it a little better. I promise that when I get home I'll eat better and allow myself to get better so I won't feel this bad ever again. And I promise that if I get through this I'll be stronger than my eating disorder because I really want to have a happy life. Okay?
Today I weight 20kg more than 365 days ago (some of this is obviously pregnancy weight but anyways), I laugh 100 times more, I feel 1000 times better and I am myself again. I so often say that healing is possible and being broken doesn't mean you'll be broken forever. But reading these pieces from a year ago really is proof of this! Recovery wasn't on my to do list a year ago and being happy seemed far away. But eventually after my hospital stay in April I started eating more and choosing well being. I started with baby steps and I'm still not in the best place with food. But I know with my whole body that I don't want to go back to being the ill person I was a year ago. And that's what matters!