I've been thinking about this for a long time. I don't know if I have figured out the answer yet, but there are definitely some things that make getting over an eating disorder a lot harder. Today I'm gonna talk about one.
One of the things that has been bothering me a lot lately is that I sometimes feel like it's harder to eat because of other people's expectations than because of my actual disease. For example, people have this weird mindset where a person with an eating disorder can't have a normal meal - that means she/he's not ill, right? Or that a person who has gained a normal weight can't be ill anymore, she/he isn't even skinny, right?
This doesn't affect my eating anymore, but it sure has. Probably most after my first disease period when I was only 14. I remember how it felt going back to school, after every single person in the building knew I had been hospitalized for a long time. I suddenly felt like it was my duty to eat less than the others, because I was the one with a disease. I felt ashamed for reasons I still don't understand. I got to eat with the school nurse in a separate room for a long time, mostly because they wanted to keep an eye on my eating habits. But it was actually such a big relief not having to have lunch while everyone was watching how much I did or didn't eat.
Because of this I sometimes "laugh the disease away" these days. And when going out with friends etc I exaggerate my food intake and unhealthy diet on purpose, just to avoid showing me vulnerable or showing that it's still hard to eat sometimes.
And then the worst thing associated to this - when someone actually comment on how MUCH you eat. There's been a couple of times when someone actually has said that I eat a lot. Like a looot. Comments like "I'd be really fat right now if I'd be eating the same portions as you do, lucky you with such a good metabolism". Wait what. Now I'm gonna stop writing about this subject because I feel my inner anger not gonna stay that "in" otherwise haha.
Have a sunny day loves!