At this point my belly is growing fast, you can see small changes everyday and my belly button is about to pop haha. I've been getting a lot of messages about how I'm dealing with my body changes right now and what my situation with my eating disorder is at the moment. So here's a little update on how I'm doing and my thoughts about food and fears for now.
My weight hasn't gone up in a couple of weeks and it feels close to impossible to eat more than I do at the moment. Not because of my eating disorder thoughts, but just physically. I feel full 24/7 and I don't have an appetite at all. Which sucks. So I basically struggle from morning to evening with just trying to get some small snacks down - and it feels like the only thing I do is eat but the amounts are so small that I still don't get enough calories a day. But I'm still pretty close to an OK food intake most of the days which is a relief because by that I know mini is getting enough food as well. But yeah, I wake up about twice a night just to have a small banana/some nuts, to constantly get small amounts of food down.
This is one of the few things that doesn't trigger my eating disorder - it's the first time I WANT to eat but physically can't. So it's obviously always a bit triggering not to eat normal meals etc, since that wakes up the "oh, I like skipping meals" thought. But for the first time something else is more important than skipping meals, my baby boy. And therefor this hasn't been triggering, just the opposite. It makes me feel so frustrated since I know I have to get nutrition but can sit with a banana for 30 minutes and then be full for many hours.
What worries me is the time after pregnancy and how my eating disorder will be then. Right now I'm pretty much just forcing myself to not think about wether I look fat or not and wether I feel huge or not. My thoughts are just about carrying my mini and making the best out of it. But what I do notice is that I super often tend to think "after I give birth I'll lose lots of weight again" or "after pregnancy I'll get skinny again" and I know 100% that these thoughts are my disease talking. If anytime, it's after giving birth I need to have energy and be as healthy as possible. But I still feel that I'll be struggling a lot with my thoughts and disease so I'll just have to be aware of that and try to stay positive. <3