It's less than 8 weeks left of pregnancy but it feels like time is going SO slowly. My pregnancy has had its up and downs but overall it has been a really hard time for me. I've had a hard time opening up about how I feel about it since I don't want anyone to think that I'm not 110% grateful for this blessing. For me, having a baby is the greatest blessing of all, so it's important that I point out that the things I'm going to talk about don't change even a tiny bit of how thankful I am for getting to carry this baby.
Since week 4 I've had nausea throughout my entire pregnancy, minus the two/three good weeks I had some time ago. In the beginning it was hard, I stayed in bed 90% of the time and wasn't even able to leave the house because I needed to be close to a bathroom and I didn't have even enough energy to go to the grocery store for 10 minutes. The few times I did join my husband to the store I had to leave after a minute because I simply couldn't do it. Everyone told me it would be over by week 12 which gave me hope of a healthy pregnancy where I would feel strong and be able to enjoy everything.
But by week 12 my nausea only got worse and I started taking double doses of the medicine my doctor had given me. I had to take my medicine every fourth hour but I was still so nauseous that I couldn't leave the bed most of the time. When the frustration kicked in sometimes around week 18 when nothing had changed and the other pregnancy issues started to show up, I started crying a lot. I was so sad because I felt so ill all the time and nothing helped, but most of all I was sad because I couldn't enjoy pregnancy the way I'd always imagine I would.
I had painted up a picture in my head of what pregnancy would look like and when it wasn't anything close to that I felt like I was bad and just not as good as the other expecting mommies, whose pregnancies seemed so nice. So I was disappointed in myself. And around week 20 when my body was going through major changes I was even more disappointed in myself. A crazy, stupid and a bit ill part of me thought I wasn't going to gain that much weight or that my body wouldn't change that much during pregnancy. So when all of a sudden no bras would fit me, no pants in my size would go on and shirts would be too tight around the arms, I started to panic. I started counting down weeks, not only until the baby would arrive and until I wouldn't be nauseous 24/7 anymore, but until I could start losing weight again.
Now I'm at this point where I'm struggling between being strong and telling my ill thoughts to go away. I don't have to be underweight to look good, I don't have to wear the smallest sizes to be beautiful. And in my heart I do know that. But at the same time this weight gain has woken up so much of the ill thoughts and the panic over not having control of my body and weight. Gain weight during pregnancy is natural and healthy, but for my ill part of the brain it's something else. And when you get into that evil circle of "feeling fat" it's hard to get out. So some nights I lay in bed crying, because I'm so nauseous and tired, because I feel ugly and big and because I can't wait to have my baby. I didn't want to say any of this out loud until now because I still feel ashamed about the way I feel, and I had such high hopes for myself about not letting my eating disorder get in my head at all during pregnancy.
But the good part is that now, for the first time since I got my eating disorder, I haven't stopped eating when the panic has hit me. The love I already have for Mini makes me eat every single calorie I know my body and the baby needs. And for me, being able to continue eating normally even though my thoughts are ill, is a BIG STEP FORWARD and that makes me feel so strong in every way. <3