This post is something I've been wanting to write for a while. But it's hard to write about stuff when you're kind of in the middle of it and still struggling. Now I feel that I've gotten some distance from this subject and want to share one of the biggest triggers for my eating disorder during pregnancy and what I do to feel better/not let it affect me!
I follow a lot of mommy influencers and bloggers since that's what's going on in my life as well. And I love to read about others experiences, especially since much is so relatable and accurate. However one thing that has triggered me A LOT, especially in the third trimester, is when people compare weight gain during pregnancy and discuss how to PREVENT it. Now these mamas aren't struggling with eating disorders so the whole discussion isn't meant to be triggering, but for us mamas who ARE struggling with eating disorders, it's one of the absolute most triggering things to read/hear about when you're pregnant.
Obviously, when you're underweight and become pregnant, it's natural that you gain more weight than someone who started their pregnancy at a healthy weight. Somehow this is something the eating disorder brain won't deal with or accept. So when I read about someone who's gained only 7kg during their pregnancy, I immediately start hating on my body and the fact that I've gained "so much" weight, and question myself and what I could have done not to gain that weight. The answer is nothing. If I wouldn't have gained the weight I now have, my baby wouldn't be healthy, he wouldn't grow enough (like the problem was in the beginning) and I wouldn't feel well myself. So somehow it's harder than ever during pregnancy to accept that people's bodies and weight gains are different, when you're struggling with an eating disorder. Because every kg + feels like a failure, even if it's the opposite.
The differences in weight gain is anyways something that you have to accept and feel okay with at some point. But what's an even worse trigger is when people discuss how to prevent weight gain (during pregnancy) and advice on how to not follow your cravings. I understand that eating healthy is important, especially when you're carrying a mini human. But if you want a piece of chocolate every now and then it won't harm you in any way. Reading discussions on Instagram and blogs about how to minimize weight gain (and even LOSE weight?!) is not only triggering for mamas with an eating disorder. But I do think it affects almost everyone in some type of way.
I have to admit that this has affected me more than I thought it would at times. And sometimes I've eaten a fruit instead of some chocolate when these discussions have been ghosting in my mind. But what I've been doing now to feel better is that I simply force myself to keep scrolling instead of reading when I see posts like this on social media, and to not think about my weight gain that much. Every single pregnancy app I have downloaded says that a normal weight gain during pregnancy is 10-15kg. And when you're up to almost +20kg and still have 5 weeks left, that obviously feels bad AND triggering. So now I try to avoid reading recommendations etc for a "normal pregnancy" since I have to be comfortable in knowing my pregnancy doesn't fit those boxes. And I have to rely on my midwife and my own journey. It's hard but it has helped me a lot! Main thing on my mind is that Mini is doing good. <3